Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
