the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
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