I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
