Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
