Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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