Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
