I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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