i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
