this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
This is my life. Enjoy the view
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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