I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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