They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
It was confusing and full of hummus
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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