I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
