I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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