I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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