Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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