k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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