omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
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