I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Randomize
