Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
So vagazzling was a success
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Randomize
