My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
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