Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
