guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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