i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
