The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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