I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
