if you like me you must not know who I am
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
