I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
