I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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