woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
