He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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