Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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