If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
