My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
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My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
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I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
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