I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
