things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
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