when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
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You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
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I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
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