woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
