i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
