oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
