I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
