That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
