They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
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