I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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