based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
