Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Tell her she can't have a vagina
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
