the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
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