The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize