I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
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