I think I died a long time ago.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
