i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I love you.
Bad choice
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
