Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
