Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
