party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Randomize
