how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
