When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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