i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
