hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
