So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
