Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Randomize
