You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
